Everything Comes Full Circle
It’s been almost a solid year since I posted my last entry. Way too damn long if you ask me, but life happens. With all the growth and change that has taken place in me and all that is on the horizon, I am feeling inspired to write again.
At the end of August last year, my dear friend Kate and I took off for a two week road trip up the east coast that would eventually end in Boston, where she would stay and start a new chapter in her life and I would venture off on a plane to Canada not knowing this would be the beginning of a new chapter in my life as well. I didn’t understand how every day of this month long trip could be better than the last! Every day was so intense. I felt like a clear channel for beauty, as if I were seeing, feeling, breathing, LIVING for the first time! All I know is I didn’t want it to end.
After 15 surreal days in Canada, I still had three more to go in Los Angeles before I would arrive back to my original departing destination. The cheapest ticket I could get from Canada to Florida was by making a pitstop in LA. So I figured ok, why not, I will make it worth my while, book a show, see some friends and be on my merry way back to the suburbs of Orlando. Well, seeing as life has its funny ways…I am still here. Three days turned into a month, a month turned into three months and on and on. Beyond confused at how this happened, I wasn’t sure how to feel at first. I insisted on pushing against the currant of what was taking place and held tight to the idea of me wanting and needing to be somewhere else…anywhere else but LA! As many times as I’ve tried to get away from here (or myself…and trust me I’ve done my fare share of running! haha!), the Divine Mother is consistent in bringing my ass back. After giving up the fight and surrendering to all the abundance that was coming my way, I was able to see clearly. Not exactly what I wanted to see and mostly what I had been afraid of seeing.
LA has and still confronts me with my deepest insecurities that inhibit me from being myself fully and achieving my souls full potential. Not ever being good enough, pretty enough, talented enough, smart enough, everything enough and only seeing my flaws(if they’re even flaws?)! It’s exhausting. It took years of coming and going to realize it’s not Los Angeles that I don’t like, it is the aspects of my being that this place brings up within me that I don’t like. Los Angeles is like holding a really challenging yoga pose. You sit in it and as soon as the shit starts bubbling to the surface, you’re ready to peace out. Like my teachers say, “The pose begins when you want to come out of it!” The pose is our life and all our relationships. If we don’t deal with the conflicts that arise now, we will surely be confronted with them again and again until we do. Whether that be in this lifetime or carried into the next one.
I always felt I was a confident and secure female, but after my accident I saw how important self image was to me and realized I had unconsciously been struggling with it for a long time if not most of my life. When I left LA in July of 2009, my goal was to find out who I was and unveil my authentic self. In a world and city that thrive on image, how do we get to know our authentic selves and most importantly live from that place of our true essence?
First step, deconstructing of the ego. How do we deconstruct our ego? By facing it head on and dealing with all that arrises from it. Yoga is a great practice for this. Yes, YOGA. They don’t compare yoga on the mat to your life for no reason. Sure it’s amazing for toning and keeping our bodies healthy, strong and in harmony with nature, but the real magic is what takes place on the inside from holding these poses. By twisting ourselves into these funny positions, lots of emotions can come up. Asana(the physical practice) is a great way to have instant confrontation. We work our way from the outside in. We learn to breathe through what makes us uncomfortable and have the opportunity to face it head on. Yoga is a practice that prepares us for the real work, our everyday life. If we can change our bodies, we can surely change our thoughts and start thinking with our hearts. As amazing as the benefits are that we receive from asana, the real yoga is within. Did you know there is a whole philosophy for yoga? There are eight limbs(or branches) of yoga and only one of them is asana! Ya, I know..Pretty wild. (I will get further into this later.)
My friend was recently hit by a car on her bicycle and seeing how most people in LA don’t have family out here and being my best friend, she didn’t think twice to call on me. Without hesitation I met her at the hospital. After a night in the USC trauma(I hope you will never have to go there!) I took her home the next morning and stayed with her for 3 days. I don’t believe I would have been able to be there for her the way I have been without doing all the work I’ve done on myself and continue to do. Caring for someone else is a huge responsibility. Most people avoid relationships altogether or the big ‘C’ word “Commitment” {echooooes} and don’t let themselves love fully because they are afraid of failure and not living up to what the other persons needs are. I know, for myself, fear has limited the amount of relationships I’ve had in my life and not just intimate ones, all relationships. I had to learn to care for me first. You cannot give what you do not have. This time I was able to extend my hand for no other reason but having it to give. I’m so thankful to have the opportunity to take my yoga off my mat and into my life. There is no separation between you and I. At the root of our being we are the same. This is why I felt inspired to start sharing again because it keeps us connected. It’s important to remember we are all going through the same things in different ways and at different times. If you don’t share and reach out, you can’t connect. If you don’t know how, Yoga is a good place to start. Yoga creates connection with yourself so you can connect with others more. Getting to know yourself is well worth the time and you will reap the benefits! So share for the sake of sharing and create for the sake of creating and have a voice because what you do and say matters!
After all we are One. OM.
