Let Go Already

 

'Atlas Shrugged' by Ayn Rand

 

 

 

You know, I’ve been waiting for the right moment to start this blog and realized, there is no “right” moment! All we have is NOW. I mean what have I been waiting for? What are we always waiting for? “The timing’s not right”, “I don’t have the money to do it”, “My life isn’t interesting”, “I’ll do this when I have this”, and on and on and on! All these excuses we constantly make for ourselves that stop us from living our lives. No one inhibits you from moving forward but you.

I don’t know about you but  I’ll speak for myself. I’ve missed out on numerous opportunities in my life because of fear. Fear that wasn’t real. Fear that I created in my head. Well I’m sick and tired of succumbing to this fear and I’m sick of it running my life. 

For the past 8 years, I worked hard at making a career for myself through modeling and acting. I was constantly traveling between Miami and Los Angeles, until the universe stationed me in LA in 2006. I settled in with the help of some friends and decided I would try and put my roots in and build a life for myself. I signed a year lease in June 2008 and  felt as if I was signing my life away.

I did what everyone told you should do. I got my own apartment, I got a fancy cell phone, I bought a couch, I got a new car, I got insurance, etc. As the year went on, my happiness and the assurance that this is what I needed to do, was dissipating. I was constantly running myself into the ground to the point that I was sick all the time. I felt lost.

In January of 2009, after a dramatic meltdown, I decided to take a leave from the modeling world. I had never felt so much weight lifted off of me. I felt like a feather ready to be taken by the wind. 

Not too long after, I quit my retail job and bartender job and turned my car in. At this point I didn’t care and didn’t want any attachments to anything or anyone. I wanted to be free.

Without telling anyone, except a few people in my immediate environment, I decided I was going to head for New York. I got rid of most of my belongings, packed up the rest of my apartment into 4 boxes and had them shipped to my Mom’s house in Florida. I had never been to New York, and wasn’t sure what I was in for, but I knew I needed to leave LA and reflect on this portrait of my life I was painting.

New York didn’t last long. After two weeks and still having meltdowns. It hit me that I needed to be away from the city life. I needed peace and comfort. I immediately called my mom. I decided to move back to the one place I never thought I’d move back to…my Mom’s house in Orlando Florida.

I was pessimistic at first, but the first two months ended up being amazing. I got a normal job as a server, taught myself about healthy eating and cooking, got closer with my Mom, played lots of guitar and read tons of books. I was so sick of thinking about what’s next in my life, I just wanted to live for the moment and for the first time in my life, I was.

I moved out September 1st, a mile or so away from my job. I was so excited that I was going to be able to ride my bike to work everyday. On September 4th, my second day of riding my bike to work, I get hit by a car. Face planted into the ground. Road rash on my face, fractured my wrist and broke my nose. From how amazing things had been the past couple months, I surely did not see this coming. I don’t remember my accident because I had a concussion but when I awakened, I do remember the feeling of fear of having no control.

We don’t choose what happens in our lives. Sometimes things just happen and you have to go with it and accept it. It doesn’t mean you don’t feel sorrow or pain, but you learn that this it is all a part of life. Life is movement and we are along for the ride. This accident was an awakening for me. I realized you are only in control of so much. If you don’t live for today, then you will never live. I’ve been trying to control every minute of everyday of my life. I’m done! This year has been one of the most challenging years of my life, but I’m finally coming into my own because I’m learning to let go.

You can’t depend upon someone else to make you who you are. Be your own person. Stop living in fear! You will never please everyone, so you my as well be yourself and do what YOU love. You have one precious life! It’s too short to spend it worrying about what other people think. Fuck ‘em! Take control of your life, because it’s YOUR life! Let go. Love it. And Live it.

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