Everything Comes Full Circle

It’s been almost a solid year since I posted my last entry. Way too damn long if you ask me, but life happens. With all the growth and change that has taken place in me and all that is on the horizon, I am feeling inspired to write again.

At the end of August last year, my dear friend Kate and I took off for a two week road trip up the east coast that would eventually end in Boston, where she would stay and start a new chapter in her life and I would venture off on a plane to Canada not knowing this would be the beginning of a new chapter in my life as well. I didn’t understand how every day of this month long trip could be better than the last! Every day was so intense. I felt like a clear channel for beauty, as if I were seeing, feeling, breathing, LIVING for the first time! All I know is I didn’t want it to end.

After 15 surreal days in Canada, I still had three more to go in Los Angeles before I would arrive back to my original departing destination. The cheapest ticket I could get from Canada to Florida was by making a pitstop in LA. So I figured ok, why not, I will make it worth my while, book a show, see some friends and be on my merry way back to the suburbs of Orlando. Well, seeing as life has its funny ways…I am still here. Three days turned into a month, a month turned into three months and on and on. Beyond confused at how this happened, I wasn’t sure how to feel at first. I insisted on pushing against the currant of what was taking place and held tight to the idea of me wanting and needing to be somewhere else…anywhere else but LA! As many times as I’ve tried to get away from here (or myself…and trust me I’ve done my fare share of running! haha!), the Divine Mother is consistent in bringing my ass back. After giving up the fight and surrendering to all the abundance that was coming my way, I was able to see clearly. Not exactly what I wanted to see and mostly what I had been afraid of seeing.

LA has and still confronts me with my deepest insecurities that inhibit me from being myself fully and achieving my souls full potential. Not ever being good enough, pretty enough, talented enough, smart enough, everything enough and only seeing my flaws(if they’re even flaws?)! It’s exhausting. It took years of coming and going to realize it’s not Los Angeles that I don’t like, it is the aspects of my being that this place brings up within me that I don’t like. Los Angeles is like holding a really challenging yoga pose. You sit in it and as soon as the shit starts bubbling to the surface, you’re ready to peace out. Like my teachers say, “The pose begins when you want to come out of it!” The pose is our life and all our relationships. If we don’t deal with the conflicts that arise now, we will surely be confronted with them again and again until we do. Whether that be in this lifetime or carried into the next one.

I always felt I was a confident and secure female, but after my accident I saw how important self image was to me and realized I had unconsciously been struggling with it for a long time if not most of my life. When I left LA in July of 2009, my goal was to find out who I was and unveil my authentic self. In a world and city that thrive on image, how do we get to know our authentic selves and most importantly live from that place of our true essence?

First step, deconstructing of the ego. How do we deconstruct our ego? By facing it head on and dealing with all that arrises from it. Yoga is a great practice for this. Yes, YOGA.  They don’t compare yoga on the mat to your life for no reason. Sure it’s amazing for toning and keeping our bodies healthy, strong and in harmony with nature, but the real magic is what takes place on the inside from holding these poses. By twisting ourselves into these funny positions, lots of emotions can come up. Asana(the physical practice) is a great way to have instant confrontation. We work our way from the outside in. We learn to breathe through what makes us uncomfortable and have the opportunity to face it head on. Yoga is a practice that prepares us for the real work, our everyday life. If we can change our bodies, we can surely change our thoughts and start thinking with our hearts. As amazing as the benefits are that we receive from asana, the real yoga is within. Did you know there is a whole philosophy for yoga? There are eight limbs(or branches) of yoga and only one of them is asana! Ya, I know..Pretty wild. (I will get further into this later.)

My friend was recently hit by a car on her bicycle and seeing how most people in LA don’t have family out here and being my best friend, she didn’t think twice to call on me. Without hesitation I met her at the hospital. After a night in the USC trauma(I hope you will never have to go there!) I took her home the next morning and stayed with her for 3 days. I don’t believe I would have been able to be there for her the way I have been without doing all the work I’ve done on myself and continue to do. Caring for someone else is a huge responsibility. Most people avoid relationships altogether or the big ‘C’ word “Commitment” {echooooes} and don’t let themselves love fully because they are afraid of failure and not living up to what the other persons needs are. I know, for myself, fear has limited the amount of relationships I’ve had in my life and not just intimate ones, all relationships. I had to learn to care for me first. You cannot give what you do not have. This time I was able to extend my hand for no other reason but having it to give. I’m so thankful to have the opportunity to take my yoga off my mat and into my life. There is no separation between you and I. At the root of our being we are the same. This is why I felt inspired to start sharing again because it keeps us connected. It’s important to remember we are all going through the same things in different ways and at different times. If you don’t share and reach out, you can’t connect. If you don’t know how, Yoga is a good place to start. Yoga creates connection with yourself so you can connect with others more. Getting to know yourself is well worth the time and you will reap the benefits! So share for the sake of sharing and create for the sake of creating and have a voice because what you do and say matters!

After all we are One. OM.

I surrendered

I Surrendered August 3, 2010

I’m a student of the universe learning to let go

This love inside me continues to grow

Still in the practice of learning where to go

This love inside me just continues to grow

It’s taking over all my fears

I can’t stop crying healing tears

My heart is overflowing, full and gleaming

Hatched from my cocoon, I have ascended into a new being

Today I met her

She’s light and flowing

Happy and loving

Peaceful and free

Everything I’ve imagined just never thought I would be

Always laughing even through her tears

She no longer cries over painful years

She has left the past where it belongs

Ready to write happier songs

Today is the day

Where everything I’ve worked for finally takes its form

Today I get to stand tall amongst the trees

And feel that I am just as rooted as any planted seed

When I die I want the sun to take me in his arms

I’ll surrender my body to the soil of this earth and let my soul spill out into the universe

All the love and life lessons I have learned will rise with the day

And spread like fire to all creatures and beings and send everyone’s worries far, far away

And Then There Was Light

I got all my results back from all the tests I had done, and I am beyond healthy!. Over the course of this past two months, I haven’t really had any issues….(it’s amazing what stress will do to you.) It blows my mind to think stress can manifest into physical illnesses and rashes and whatever else. I will say, thinking I had all these problems with food helped me eliminate a lot of crap food I wanted to anyway. I don’t know if I would have acquired the kind of knowledge about nutrition and taking care of my body like I did over this past year if I didn’t think something was wrong with me and health issues didn’t present themselves. For so long I’ve tried changing my diet, I wanted to eat healthy but never felt ready to make such a commitment. There seemed to be a lot of self sabotaging I wanted to get out of my system to be sure that this was the path for me and I wasn’t missing out on anything. I feel like another person now because of the way I eat. I’m grateful in so many ways! After eliminating as much food as I did and reintroducing foods, I was able to see how they affect me mentally and physically. I’ve naturally developed a vegan diet over the course of the year and have more clarity than I ever have in my life. I will say I am happy I’m not allergic to gluten because I thought I was for a few months and that was brutal!!! I feel for people who are! It was challenging but I did what I had to and went without it. I have a whole new appreciation now that I can eat it. Nourishing your body is well worth the time and education. I never fully understood what people meant when they would say “your body is a temple.” But I truly do now and will treat it like such for the rest of my days. I feel like I have a second chance at life and  a new beginning. This past year has been a struggle but I’m finally out of the weeds.

Honor your mind, body and soul.

New Found Land

I’m very happy to be posting up in Orlando for a while. I’ve been between LA and Miami for the past 7 years and am finally ready to get off the fast paced train and let my life take a different route. I never thought I was running from anything, more or less I’ve been running myself into the ground trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted in life. Little did I know, if I would just slow down for one second all the answers I was looking for, I already possessed. This has taken me a good 8 years to figure out. It’s like I intellectually knew it, but just recently felt it. For the past couple years I’ve taken all the steps I knew (even if I didn’t understand them at the time) to get to this point. I’m finally here and it is only the beginning!

Everything has always been very extreme with me, things are either this way or that way. Your either with me or your not. Shhheesh…exhausting! There has never been a middle. This is something I’ve struggled with my whole life. I think Orlando is going to be a good place to really help with that, because I see Orlando like a middle place. It’s a not a big city but its also not a small town in Kentucky, it’s just…well…in the middle! After talking to a friend, I was able to see all these beautiful life changing opportunities I have at my finger tips by sticking around for a little bit. I can finally focus on my music, my yoga practice, my spiritual development and most importantly my health without all the distractions and chaos I always seem to throw myself into. I feel like this couldn’t be a better time in my life. I feel so ready! Before I was dabbling in all different kinds of things and different careers, everyday it was something new. It was fun trying different things out and I think it’s vital to help understand what you want from life…but it’s just like when your painting and you mix all the colors, it starts to look like, well… poop brown….yaaa. That was my life there for a bit. Poop brown. Not the most flattering color. Haha. I don’t know if it’s my age or yoga or change of diet or all of the above. But I have recently discovered the colors I like and am very happy using just those colors. Mixed together they make a beautiful green. You don’t have to be great at everything. This is something I learned the hard way. Find whatever it is you love and want to be great at and put every bit of focus into it. Trust yourself. You know yourself better than anyone. And in the meantime have fun with everything else, it makes life a lot more enjoyable.

So thankful for this beautiful life.

Slow it down, Slow it down, Your moving too fast you see

Sooo my backpack arrived the other day and I could not be happier! This backpack was made for a woman’s body. Doing your research is well worth the wait to find the right pack. I’m such a nerd, I just walk around my house with it on doing regular things but continually pass by a mirror several times to look at it hahah. I’m just really excited! This pack is the start of something big in my life. Things are changing so rapidly, I feel like I don’t have time to think, only to act. But I guess I’ve had enough time to over think things in my life, that now I’m finally able to do and it feels damn good. It’s amazing that a backpack can bring this much happiness. This pack is the physical manifestation of my aspirations. This pack is helping me close a chapter in my life and assisting me in writing a new one. Though closing this chapter seems to be taking some time, seeing my backpack gives me so much to look forward to.

I thought I would be leaving at the end of this month, but have a had a change of plans. The plan is to have no real plan. I just have ideas of where I want to go and things I want to do, but for now I have to be here. When the pressure of thinking you have to go somewhere by a certain time goes away because you realize there’s no rush, you know your making a good decision. I put a lot of unnecessary weight on myself thinking I needed to throw myself out into the world by a specific date. I do this to myself sometimes! But right now, I’m ok with being here and making plans for the future, because at the moment I don’t really have a choice.

I’ve been in and out of several doctor’s offices trying to figure out what is going on inside my body. All year it’s been trying to tell me something, I just don’t know what and neither does anyone else! I think I have celiac disease or food allergies but I’m not sure. I just got a bunch of blood work done and an endoscopy yesterday (where they put a camera in your stomach), and have to get an ultrasound on my belly on Monday. Hopefully I will get some kind of answers. *fingers crossed*I won’t have my results for another week or so, but at least I’ll be able to cancel things out if they don’t find anything there and move on to the next thing. I’m beyond exhausted dealing with this considering we spend a good portion of our lives eating and it’s a necessity to live and not to mention, doctor’s visits are expensive! I’ve eliminated a lot of food from my diet and feel much better, but after a year of experimenting, it would be nice to know exactly what the cause of these problems are, that way I can avoid it or take whatever steps are needed to fix it. Getting these tests done are a huge step in solving this mystery and very much-needed if I want to be bouncing around the globe. In the meantime I have to wait patiently. I will say I am learning a lot about myself and how to focus on me.

So Much to Do, So Little Time

This month has flown by! I barely feel prepared to go anywhere. Right now I’m in the process of getting my self taken care of; i.e. doctor, dentist, all that fun stuff, that way I know I’m in good standing health when I take off. This year has been hell for health issues and that itself is a bit scary since I want to spend an indefinite amount of time traveling. It’s been overwhelming thinking about the road my life has decided to journey down. Some days my thoughts are as clear as day but those other days…oh those good old other days…yaaa. Haha. I don’t know if any of us really ever know what we’re doing or what the “right decisions” to be made are, but I feel like if it wasn’t right, you wouldn’t have made the decision in the first place. I’m a firm believer that everything works out as it should, because my life has not shown otherwise. These feelings of uncertainty always pass. Any time you step into the unknown, it’s a bit scary but on the other hand, there’s so much excitement for the journey ahead. It’s a nice change not knowing or having some BIG plan for where my life is heading, except to travel to travel, do yoga, play music and experience whatever comes along.

I’m slowly acquiring my travel necessities, all of which are important if I want to travel as a minimalist and cheap! I purchased an MSR SweetWater Water Purfier System, just a portable water filter. You can drink out of pretty much anywhere that has water. I’m very excited for this new toy because I hope to never have to purchase bottled water again! I read a bunch of good reviews on it, and everyone said it was one of the best, so we will see. I purchased a Kelty Redwing Backpack a month or so ago and had to send it back because it seemed a little too small for all my things, plus it was a mens. After reading several other females reviews on backpacks, it seems like a good  idea to get a pack fitted for a woman’s body. So tonight, I narrowed my choices down and finally purchased one! I got the Women’s Gregory Jade 60 Backpack. After months of reading backpack reviews, watching videos and trying them on, I feel confident that I’ll be able to call this new bag home! As soon as it arrives, I will let you know!

…..Soo happy!

Wanderlust by Birth

The lease for my apartment was supposed to end August 1st, but due to a nasty mold problem in one of the closets, they agreed to cut it short with no penalty. This means I will be a free woman sooner than expected. I have all of June left at my apartment but decided to go ahead and move everything over to my Moms house this week and start getting rid of the things I can live without. I’ve narrowed down what I want to bring with me, and some how it still seems like too much. At least once a day, I go through my clothes and take out a couple more items. So thankful for eBay, even if I get one dollar for a shirt, it’s another dollar added to my funds and another day of survival. It’s amazing how much shit we acquire because “we need it”, “we can’t live with out it!” haha, it’s ridiculous. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to do what you love and I’m hardly talking about material things. 

I’ve had to make many sacrifices to achieve the things I have in my life. The hardest part about these sacrifices is, you never know if they’re the right decision at the time but that feeling in your gut, the “I have to do this” doesn’t go away. So yet again, I am having to make life changing sacrifices. I have to leave any and all comforts behind and move on into the unknown. I don’t have to go far to do this, just a move to my Moms house this week has really set things in motion.

I will be in Orlando for the rest of June, working my ass off to save every penny, enjoying the time I have to spend with my Mom and having those fun sleepless nights thinking about where I’ll be heading in a month. A year ago, I was consumed by trying to unravel what steps should be taken to understand these same curiosities and feelings, but things got put on hold when my life took a detour. Though much was learned, these feelings never went away and inevitably my life strayed me back. After a year in Orlando, here I stand again, I guess I have unfinished business. If you don’t follow through with what you should be doing, life will surely get you back on track no matter what it takes to get you there. As hard as it is to leave everyone and everything I love, I really hope to learn to love myself. I want to know that I can be happy with nothing and really appreciate the simple things life has to offer.

Traveling doesn’t start when you jump on a plane, it starts with a want and a need. I need to go experience what this world has to offer. Sometimes I wish I was someone who could just settle down somewhere and have what seems to be a “simpler life” but I can’t. I have no choice. I’ve struggled with societies conventional ideas and standards of how you should live your life for way too long and I can’t do it anymore! I’m finally accepting the person I am. As my Mom has always said to me, “You were born a free bird.”

My Heart is on The Map

It’s hard to be in the moment when all I crave is the butterflies you get when you step off a plane and your feet touch the soil of a foreign place, and that overwhelming feeling of excitement and terror coincide. It’s like this indescribable travel high, when you get a taste of it, your left wanting more….I want more!

For years I’ve waited for the entertainment industry to give me the opportunity to travel, and though it gave me few, they were like teasers. I was always working and wasn’t able to just immerse myself in wherever I was and really experience another culture. This year I want to make traveling a reality. I want to travel just for the travel. I don’t want any specific goal or destination in mind, I just want to go and do whatever feels right at the time.

Many times I thought something was wrong with me because I never wanted to stay in one place, but I just feel like why should I? There is so much to see in this world and I want to experience as much of it as I can. I tried continually to get rid of this longing but it just grew stronger. I’ve been lucky to meet people more recently in my life who are on the same page as me. And that is enough to continue to pursue this dream.

I found this amazing book by Rolf Potts called ‘Vagabonding.’ It couldn’t have fell into my lap at a better time. It gives advice on how to live your life traveling, not taking vacations, but how to live as a traveler. This lifestyle is definitely not for everyone. Some people need their 9-5  jobs, a home base and a routine. But for me, I want nothing else but to live with the necessities and be self-sufficient and mobile. I want to be able to put everything I own in a backpack. (And well my guitar which obviously won’t fit, ha.) Who knows, maybe along the way I will decide that this way of living is not for me but I won’t know until I try. I don’t want to wait any longer to travel. I finally feel ready.

I don’t expect it to all be glamorous, I know there will be plenty of ups and just as many or more downs. Life doesn’t stop because you physically go somewhere else.  This blog is about opening a new chapter in my life, building up from ground zero. Sometimes getting things down on paper help to make them become a reality. We all pave our own way and once we realize this, anything is possible.

Let Go Already

 

'Atlas Shrugged' by Ayn Rand

 

 

 

You know, I’ve been waiting for the right moment to start this blog and realized, there is no “right” moment! All we have is NOW. I mean what have I been waiting for? What are we always waiting for? “The timing’s not right”, “I don’t have the money to do it”, “My life isn’t interesting”, “I’ll do this when I have this”, and on and on and on! All these excuses we constantly make for ourselves that stop us from living our lives. No one inhibits you from moving forward but you.

I don’t know about you but  I’ll speak for myself. I’ve missed out on numerous opportunities in my life because of fear. Fear that wasn’t real. Fear that I created in my head. Well I’m sick and tired of succumbing to this fear and I’m sick of it running my life. 

For the past 8 years, I worked hard at making a career for myself through modeling and acting. I was constantly traveling between Miami and Los Angeles, until the universe stationed me in LA in 2006. I settled in with the help of some friends and decided I would try and put my roots in and build a life for myself. I signed a year lease in June 2008 and  felt as if I was signing my life away.

I did what everyone told you should do. I got my own apartment, I got a fancy cell phone, I bought a couch, I got a new car, I got insurance, etc. As the year went on, my happiness and the assurance that this is what I needed to do, was dissipating. I was constantly running myself into the ground to the point that I was sick all the time. I felt lost.

In January of 2009, after a dramatic meltdown, I decided to take a leave from the modeling world. I had never felt so much weight lifted off of me. I felt like a feather ready to be taken by the wind. 

Not too long after, I quit my retail job and bartender job and turned my car in. At this point I didn’t care and didn’t want any attachments to anything or anyone. I wanted to be free.

Without telling anyone, except a few people in my immediate environment, I decided I was going to head for New York. I got rid of most of my belongings, packed up the rest of my apartment into 4 boxes and had them shipped to my Mom’s house in Florida. I had never been to New York, and wasn’t sure what I was in for, but I knew I needed to leave LA and reflect on this portrait of my life I was painting.

New York didn’t last long. After two weeks and still having meltdowns. It hit me that I needed to be away from the city life. I needed peace and comfort. I immediately called my mom. I decided to move back to the one place I never thought I’d move back to…my Mom’s house in Orlando Florida.

I was pessimistic at first, but the first two months ended up being amazing. I got a normal job as a server, taught myself about healthy eating and cooking, got closer with my Mom, played lots of guitar and read tons of books. I was so sick of thinking about what’s next in my life, I just wanted to live for the moment and for the first time in my life, I was.

I moved out September 1st, a mile or so away from my job. I was so excited that I was going to be able to ride my bike to work everyday. On September 4th, my second day of riding my bike to work, I get hit by a car. Face planted into the ground. Road rash on my face, fractured my wrist and broke my nose. From how amazing things had been the past couple months, I surely did not see this coming. I don’t remember my accident because I had a concussion but when I awakened, I do remember the feeling of fear of having no control.

We don’t choose what happens in our lives. Sometimes things just happen and you have to go with it and accept it. It doesn’t mean you don’t feel sorrow or pain, but you learn that this it is all a part of life. Life is movement and we are along for the ride. This accident was an awakening for me. I realized you are only in control of so much. If you don’t live for today, then you will never live. I’ve been trying to control every minute of everyday of my life. I’m done! This year has been one of the most challenging years of my life, but I’m finally coming into my own because I’m learning to let go.

You can’t depend upon someone else to make you who you are. Be your own person. Stop living in fear! You will never please everyone, so you my as well be yourself and do what YOU love. You have one precious life! It’s too short to spend it worrying about what other people think. Fuck ‘em! Take control of your life, because it’s YOUR life! Let go. Love it. And Live it.